I wanna passion pit in your ass
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
