I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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