I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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