Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Randomize
