I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
