Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
