There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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