if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I puked a lego.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
