I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
