I can tuck mytits in my pants
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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