Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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