If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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