What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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