we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Randomize
