Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
