Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
