im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
