Betty ford says i'm here all night
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
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