i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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