That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
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