next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
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We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
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But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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