I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Randomize
