Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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