i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
