Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
