I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Randomize
