have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
