Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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