so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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