Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
