Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Randomize
