when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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