Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
