I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
