she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
