remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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