Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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