do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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