youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
