Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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