Tell her she can't have a vagina
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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