why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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