planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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