alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
