my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize