Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
