I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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