the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
