i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
