mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
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Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
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