Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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