I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
