You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
