It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
