when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
