we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
